Voldemort's Confessions
by Amiiix3
Summary: The other, more humorous, side of Voldemort. Includes: rubber duckies and scrubby brushes.Parody. R&R pretty please.


**Lord Voldemort's Confessions**

Harry Potter stood triumphantly on the edge of a crumbling cliff. He held his right arm out and smiled proudly, gazing out at the sea lost in his happiness.

Suddenly he was pulled out of his reverie by a faint cough behind him. Spinning around, he found himself looking at an annoyed Hermione who rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Do you have to do that _every _time we destroy a horcrux?" she asked.

Harry nodded vigorously and turned to look at Ron who was skipping around a rock flapping his arms in a strange war dance while calling out "CA CAWWWW CA CAWWWW!"

"Well…?" Said Hermione, looking impatient again.

Harry, smile still plastered on his face, nodded again.

Hermione huffed indignantly and crossed her arms. Ron let out another squawk.

"WE'VE JUST DESTROYED THE SIXTH HORCRUX!" she yelled, her face turning red with anger.

Harry's smile dropped a little.

"But…that means we have…" he stared down at his hands counting…slowly…

"ONE! WE. HAVE. ONE. LEFT!" Hermione yelled.

"No need to get angry." Harry said, pouting. Ron tripped over the rock.

"Well? The last one is IN Voldemort." Said Hermione, calming down now that they had gotten to the point.

"Yes." Said Harry smiling brightly and nodding again.

"And…we…have…to…get…VOLDEMORT!" she said slowly, hoping he'd pick up on it.

Harry only nodded.

"SO BLOODY GET HIM!" Hermione bellowed. "AND SHUT UP RONALD WEASLEY OR I'LL BLAST YOU TO PIECES!" she cried, spinning around and pointing her wand at Ron, who was in the process of climbing up the rock and pulling his shirt off.

She was panting and her face was beet red, her features contorted angrily. The wind whipped around them, forcing her hair all around her, making the effect far more frightening.

Harry nodded again. "All right," he said determinedly, "Get ready for it…"

He raised his wand and pointed at the gray sky above. "_Accio Voldemort_." He said clearly.

Hermione, finally calmed down, skipped over to the rock that Ron had just fallen off of, and sat down on it, brushing off her clothes and crossing her legs. Ron scrambled away from her, whimpering, and hid in a dark corner under an alcove, pulling his knees to his chest and staring at her fearfully.

Hermione ignored this.

They all sat for five minutes staring at the sky expectantly.

Finally, Ron, still watching Hermione as if she were going to attack him in a second, crawled out from under the alcove and moved over next to Harry.

"I don't think he's coming, maybe we should try back later." He whispered, glancing at Hermione, who was watching them both through narrowed eyes.

Suddenly, there was a _whooshing_ noise from above, and they all looked up into the sky as a large black shape hurtled towards them.

It hit the rocky ground, sending dust through the air, and skidded across the cliff. Harry saw a flash of green before he was coughing up dust like crazy.

The dust cleared and the trio looked upon the dark shape.

_It looks like a…_

Harry thought before he let out a huge snort.

Lord Voldemort was sitting in the bathtub, a bemused expression adorning his sinister snake-like features. He seemed to gather himself and quickly pulled a towel over his lower abdomen as he rose out of the tub.

"Harry Potter…I meet you again at last." He said, sneering. "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING, GIRL?!?!" he cried, turning to Hermione and brandishing a…

Rubber Ducky.

Harry looked down and saw that Voldemort's towel had slid down his waist.

He let out a snort which quickly turned to a hack as the Dark Lord's towel fell to his ankles, somewhere in the sudsy bath water.

"I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND!" he cried running around in circles, his hands over his eyes.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" he heard a female voice cry. In his surprise, he even forgot that he was supposed to be disturbed because of the naked Voldemort.

He looked around and saw Ron lying in a little ball on the ground and twitching.

_Probably gonna have nightmares, that one._

He thought.

A little to the right was Hermione, who was cackling and throwing hex after hex after unforgivable curse at Voldemort. She had a crazy expression on her face.

Voldemort was trying to dodge these curses while in the small confines of his bathtub; one hand holding his towel up to his waist, and the other protecting his rubber ducky from harm.

"AARRRGGGHHH!" Lord Voldemort cried as a hex hit him causing pimples to sprout all over his visage.

"MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FLAWLESS COMPLEXION!"

Hermione cackled in delight. Ron twitched. Harry watched, his mouth slightly open…drooling.

"RUINED! AND IT'S…YOUR FAULT!" he yelled, pointing a scrubby brush at Harry.

"Muhuwatzit?" Harry said stupidly…drooling.

Ron twitched. Hermione stared, her cackle turning into a sort of hiccup.

"YES, YOU! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT HARRY POTTER! YOU RUIN…_EVERYTHING!" _the Dark Lord cried the last word and broke into angry sobs.

His towel slid down his waist again.

Ron twitched.

Hermione stared.

Harry drooled.

Hermione came out of her…err…staring…first. She slapped Harry.

He looked over at the sobbing Voldemort, now sitting in his bathtub in a fetal position.

Harry pat him on the back gingerly. "Now, now, Morty…it's not all that bad."

Voldemort shrugged Harry's hand off his back and moved farther away, sobbing…still…

Ron twitched.

"B-b-but it is…all I ever wanted to do was be a P-P-P-PLUMBER!"

Hermione stared.

Harry drooled.

Ron…oowhatsit.

THE END.


End file.
